Things People Do (@Tech M)

And how…

I’ve been working in this company for a couple of years now. In this time I’ve come across many things that have made me question the very existence of the social human behavior (leave alone the core of it!), after all the corporate “etiquette” classes you have been through. Each and every time my patience has been put to test and some times to rest. Wish I had a Barretta to deal with them or something. Here is an account of them.

1. How lifts work

There are 2 arrow buttons besides a lift. In normal human behavior, the UP arrow is pressed when you want to go up and the DOWN arrow when you want to go down. Hey! But wait. In our company it works the other way around. Lifts get filled at the zeroth floor (mind you, the canteen is in this floor) on its way to the –1 level. So when the lift actually comes down, the only thing the people who do not have enough space to get in, manage is, a sheepish smile. Leave alone the silver-hair generation, the 20 somethings find it difficult to climb 3-4 floors.
The crowd on the zeroth floor is so much that when you come out of the lift, you will feel that there is some kinda mob war going on. You are not even given a chance to make a graceful exit. If you don’t get out in 0.27secs, chances are, you might get a free “lift”!
And they have to speak loudly inside the lift. A guy at the back is trying to “communicate” to the one in front in a crowded lift, redefining the means of communication. This is especially attributed to a certain clan(You know-who) of people. Miss the Barretta.

2. The Canteen Line

If you ever wanted to see a human chain championing their own cause, you should visit our company’s canteen. Actually this is not the point. The guy who is standing behind you for his rozi-roti has to be stuck on you. You can take me quite literally here. So much so that he is on your back like a bethaal (Vikram & Bethaal fame) or something.
The people have to take 2 spoons, although they will never use the “other”. They have to take a plate and hold it in their hands before their turn has actually come.

3. Personal Space

They have to outstretch their arms without seeing if you are invading someone’s space. Forget invading, sometimes you are lucky not to suffer a serious nose blow. Please feel free to do so, but not in the canteen please. Not in such a crowded place where you can actually lose your brother or sister!

4. Telephone Etiquette

Sounds like one of the boring workshops to attend. But, believe me you will be much happier when the people around you have indeed attended this workshop.
They have to speak loudly, be it with the client, mom, dad, friend, girl friend, cousin, cousin’s friend, and the credit card company, oblivious to the fact that there are people around who are pretending to work. When you are doing so your mobile has to ring or sing nowadays. Now they have to stair at the no. for a zillion years before they actually answer it, much to the relief of the people who are still pretending to work. Some people feel so much home at work that when they are on the phone, their divine feet are on the desk. Much like Mr.Bachchan in Deewar. The Barretta, still missing.

N.B. Please excuse Ayhay. He is born with a Dolby Digital Surround System in his throat.

5. Chair Theft

Fact, Chairs have wheels. So they can be moved from one place to another. One guy comes to meet the other. The chair of the guy, who has gone to the canteen to irritate me with his flexing and bethaal antics, becomes the victim. Another fact: chairs can travel cubicles, bays and if your fortuneteller has told you that your bad luck is really bad, it might have travelled wings. Truth is Iam also guilty of this. Tell me, who doesn’t like sitting?

6. The Parking

There are lines neatly drawn out in the parking area. But they can’t seem to stick to the boundaries. They have to put it out of the “boxes” right onto the “highway”, not even aware of the inconvenience that might be causing.

7. The ATM

They go into the ATM room, and draw money. I go into the ATM room and draw money. You go into the ATM and draw money. Difference is "they" take a mini statement, change their pin, take a mini statement of the ERA a/c, try to make card-to-card transfer and do not come out till all the items given in the menu are tried out. And then draw their money, the primary motive. All this, when there are people “urgently” waiting outside to get some money. Missing a Barretta, pretty badly.

My grievances are not just this much. This is only an initial draft. When the final draft comes out I’ll be ready with a gun!!